In Canada, if someone had come up to me in the morning, pointed in my direction and bellowed "my car" in a questing tone, it would have made me wonder. "Yes? What about your car? Is it shiny and black, or do you have a mild form of turrets?" Here, it's par for the course.

There's this old man whose job it is to talk really loud, go for long walks and surf the Internet. Since I moved, he's become consumed by how I get to work. Did I take the train? Did I drive? Did I flap my arms and fly? It's endlessly fascinating.

He always asks if I took the train using Japanese, reserving his stellar English skills for automotive inquiries. "My car", roughly translated, means, "Did you drive your car this morning?" Having hollered "My car?" loud enough for everyone in the office to hear, he goes back to his computer and brags about how he was speakin' Engrish to the foreigner. Omedetou, old man, omedetou.

Most people are like this. Rather than speak clear, slow Japanese, they speak this pigdin that no one except ALTs living in the mountains of Shikoku can understand. Then, when they have discovered "where live?" and "Japanese food OK?" they return to their friends, proud as pie that they were speakin' Engrish. Never mind that the entire conversation was in Japanese, save three words they learned in junior high school and a catch phrase they got from TV.

Speaking of catch phrases, "hexagon" is currently all the rage in my schools. Even stranger, it's hilarious.

Man oh man, am I turning wierd.

Another busy weekend. On Friday Nancy had a date with some Japanese boys (actually, she was playing wingwoman for Christine, who had a date with one Japanese boy) so she went into the city around ten. I went to bed after that because the heat has settled in and it's exhausting. You can't even imagine the heat! I sweat from the moment I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night. I take three showers a day, splash water on my face every chance I get, loose the shirt whenever I can, and drink lots of water.

Then Nancy had to work on Saturday, so I did some more sleeping. Maybe it wasn't such a busy weekend after all. I think I needed the rest. After work we went for a swim and then headed into the city for the big sayonnara party. It's already the end of the year, so we reserved 90 seats at the beer garden and had a huge bash. After that, it was time for some karaoke, which always costs three times what its supposed to and ends up a total gong show. This time was no different. Finally, we headed to a party being held in Hirome, which is where everyone hangs out in Kochi. A couple of DJs were playing and everyone was going, so off we went. There was some breakdancing, some good house music and some good times. After dancing it was hamburger time, so I ate two and headed for bed. We didn't get to sleep until about four, woke up around two, went for spaghetti, the ice cream, and then for frizbee by the river. It was a fun day, but work is going to come awfully early tomorrow.

Good night.

But at least we aren't in Korea.

Lately the joke around the house is: “Because, it’s war times.”

As in, “Why in the hell does that air raid siren go off every morning at six?” “Why are the elementary school students still in uniform, running laps around town at seven at night?” “Why am I being served whole baby fish at school lunch?” “Why is there no air-conditioning or central heating?” “Why do students have to snap to attention before every class?” “Why do people work 75 hours a week.” “Why, why, why?”

“Because, it’s war times.”

Bwaah! haaa! haaa!

The funny thing is that we’re probably going to look back on this as our war times. Certainly it’s not overly pleasant being here; rather something to be endured. The main difference being that instead of freedom from Nazi tyranny, we’re fighting for a big, fat paycheck every month. You might look at it as voluntary service, without any of the honour or sacrifice.

And just like war times, we’re probably going to be better people because of it. Certainly we won't have saved the world, but we’re going to have the patience and understanding to survive anything life tosses our way (if you’ve ever sat through a Japanese meeting, you’ll vouch for me on that one). We’re going to have an understanding of foreign ways of thinking and doing things and be accepting of that. We’re going to know not to treat people like shit, even if they do have different skin colour. We’re going to know that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish a lot more than you thought you could. And we’re going to know that although things might look crappy now, there’s always tomorrow, so keep fighting damn it!

Racism.

It seems like everywhere I go lately, it’s all around me. When that person standing in front of me in the checkout line and gives me that dirty look. When someone calls me Ms. Foreigner. When English is my first language but in English class I am not allowed to speak-especially not freely. When the garbage pickup people call the town office who calls someone at my office who tells my supervisor who tells me that I am not sorting my garbage correctly (when there is NO proof at all that it was me; the thought path is as follows –

1. someone is not sorting the newspapers from the flyers
2. someone is making a mistake
3. Japanese people don’t break the rules and make mistakes
4. it had to be a foreigner because foreigners break rules and are stupid
5. foreigner…isn’t there a foreigner who works at the Board of Education…nancy.

it turns out it wasn’t me afterall. The place in question isn’t near where I take my garbage.)

I need to come home. I need to be refreshed and remember how lucky I am and all the great things I have done since coming here as well as all the great things I will do when I return. Or else it’ll be really hard to come back.

From the Yokogurayama Natural Forest Museum English pamphlet:

“Long long ago, when men exchanged words with stars, woods, and wild animals. Nature seems whimsical, but we live together in harmony. Asking to get along with us. Invisible nature is God. We wish to be given a lot of food. Everybody lives and we are members of all things in nature. Convenience is everything. In the 20th century, civilization separates man from nature. Nature is lonely. Men are also somewhat lonely. Well, here is a mountain. It’s unique in shape; formed at the bottom of the sea. Through millions of years, it has moved far from the south. There are various rare plants, trees, and insects in this mountain. It is exciting, interesting and full of surprise to meet nature. The Yokogurayama Natural Forest Museum is in this nature. Sun light, water, and wind are playing here.”

I can’t wait to go.

get the win.

sounded strange at first but the more i said it, the more i thought it was A-OK. I wrote a few of my friends just to be sure (one included my sister-so i could get an outside source). my school wanted to make a banner with this motto displayed for all of our town and anyone driving by to see.

N: get the win. no, no. it isn't ok.

japanese teacher: well, what should we say then?

N: how about go for the win?

J: no, no. it's much too long.

N: oh, i see. yes, it is very long. (under her breath - it is 1 letter longer?!?)
well, maybe it's ok.

J: oh, yeah?

N: hmmm.....actually i forget english so maybe i better check with some of my friends.

J: ha ha ha.......you forget english?!? you are japanese.

later on.....

N: no, i guess it isn't ok. how about "Let's win"?

J: i was thinking more along the lines of something like get the win. you know "get the win!"

N: well, if you put some exclamation marks at the end....

J: oh, yeah? maybe.....

i don't know why they asked, they are probably just going to use get the win.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today i think i finally got my students to say 13 and 30 properly. usually they just say sati for both. a minor battle has been won!

on other topics, i am off to English camp on Thursday and Friday. I think it will be a good time. the kids are high school students so they will be able to speak more english than my rug rats (i hope!).

my friend christine is trying to get a date with the sushi-chef. he is cute and always brings the wasabi (hot japanese horseradish) over as soon as she comes in. however, getting the date has been hard since a japanese man would almost never ask a foreign girl out. she has had to take things into her own hands or, rather, i had to take things into my own hands. we didn't even know his name until i boldly asked him.

kore wa nan desu ka? what is this?
sore wa nan desu ka? what is that? (pointing at the sushi-chef)
translation: what is your name?
ahh, arrigato.
kore wa curisutinu-san desu oh, thanks. this is Christine.

next step: ask for the group date (apparently that is how things are done here). He brings a bunch of single guy friends and Christine brings a bunch of single girl friends. Then people mingle and if they find someone they like, they can go on a date later...maybe...

It’s not that the teachers are incompetent; they aren’t. But at the big schools – the ones with over forty students in a class – the teachers are worked to near death. They teach, coach, counsel, clean the school, attend enkais four times a month and deal with all the usual political mumbo-jumbo that comes with the job. On top of it all, the English teachers have to deal with me every day, in a language they barely understand. It isn’t an easy job. This is what I keep in mind when I’m doing my human CD player routine every day.

today i went to a 2 hour speech that was disguised as a jazz concert. the "concert" was to start at 1:30 and end at 3:30. i thought it would be great, afterall i thought i was getting paid to listen to a jazz concert for 2 hours. let me say 1 thing....it was NOT great.

It was a form of torture as far as I’m concerned. As much as I like to think that I have learned some Japanese, situations like this lead me to think otherwise. In the two hours (well, actually 2.5 as he went overtime), he only played 5 songs that were definitely not jazz. They were an excellent imitation of bad Japanese karaoke. I am not even exaggerating.

Anyhow, the only words I understood when he was talking were Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine, Bush, friends, school, children, junior high school, Koizumi, Nagasaki, Hiroshima, and like.

I know he was talking about war and peace but other than that, I'm lost. I wasn't the only one who was bored either. About 1/3 of 500 students and teachers were fast asleep. The principal and vice principal from my school were sleeping right beside me. Thus, I didn't feel bad trying to catch some zzz's. If it wouldn't have been for those uncomfortable chairs, I could have been paid to sleep.....

It's typhooning today. The rain is blowing straight sideways across the window, so it looks like the building fell over and we're being held in place by super magnets.

I'm done classes already, so I've been surfing the net and staring out the window for the last little while. Here's an article about Japan and why, someday, there will be more dogs than people. Happy reading.

In Japan, there is a place and time for geeks: ping-pong club, after school.

I imagine these to be the same people creating the demand for women's used underwear vending machines, but it's hard to tell at this point, which is to say pre-pubescent. For now they're thrilled to be playing ping-pong, three hours a day, five days a week, except on weekends when they hit the road in the ping-pong bus. Oh, the stories I've heard coming out of the ping-ping bus. It's enough to make your hair curl.

I remember when I was a reporter for the Melfort Journal, I had an assignment to cover the provincial ping-pong tournament being held in the Melfort Collegiate gymnasium. Talk about intense. There was this one team, a pair of forty-something single farmers from The Pas, Manitobia, who were all business. Except in the back, where they were gettin' down.

Anyway, these ping-ponging farmers were donning some pretty deadly Coke bottle glasses - you know the kind you can push up with your cheeks when they slide down your nose? - and missing teeth. Don't even ask how you end up missing teeth playing ping-pong. Could it be from all the pop you drink playing Dungeons and Dragons between games? As it turns out, these two winners really were winners: provincial champions a bazzilion years and counting, national finalists just as many times. I forget if they won nationals or not. I suppose you could phone the Melfort Journal and ask if you really wanted to know. "Um, yeah, this is Joanna Sookocheff. My son worked for you a while back and I was just wondering about that ping-pong story he did about the national champions. Could you look up for me if they really did win nationals or not? Thanks."

The funny part about these dudes was that they did ping-pong as a hobby during the winter. They blew all their dough driving around western North America in the winter. Or, as they put it, "We do farming in the off season. It keeps us in shape." I ended up talking to them for half the day, and not once did I cease to be amazed by the purity of their geekiness. It was mezmerizing to see people so addicted to something so stupid. Mezmerizing and beautiful.

Back to Japan.

Aside from the one cool kid who only proves that there is an exception to every rule, the ping-pong club is dominated by chubby, dim-bulb kids whose hand-eye co-ordination would be the envy of even Spiderman. They wear their pants too high, their glasses sit crooked on their face, they sweat too much, their parents don't buy them cool shoes and they trade Dungeons and Dragons cards at noon-hour. Poor guys (and one girl, who has to be the saddest sack who ever pulled on a pair of pants in the morning). At least they have one another, and the ping-pong coach, who cheers for them no matter what.

Every once in a while I go down to the gym and have a match against aforementioned cool kid. He gets bored whooping my ass after about ten minutes and ends up pitting me against one of the first year kids, or even worse someone from the girls volleyball team. Then, when they get tired of whooping my ass, I go shoot hoops with my buddy Ryo, captain of the basketball team. Now he's cool.

my birthday was on june 4th but it seemed like my birthday was on june 3rd, 4th, and 5th. it was awesome!

i celebrated it in a huge japanese city named kobe which is part of osaka which is part of kyoto which is part of nara. all 1st year ALTS (mine and jon's job) who are going to be staying another year had an orientation in kobe on june 2, 3, and 4. we all stayed at a very beautiful hotel that had rooms starting at 18000 yen (or about 200 dollars).

after our meeting on june 3rd, a bunch of us went out for supper at a very spicey indian curry restaurant. the japanese owner became very happy when he saw a bunch of foreigners walk in. "at last, i can make curry the way it is meant to be cooked." needless to say, it was very HOT! after that we headed out on the town to a latin music bar that was run by some algerian men. at one of the meetings, "music in the classroom", we had a dance competition to see who the best macarena dancer was. victor, a kochi jet from new york, kicked ass. coincidentally, at the latin bar we had the opportunity to show the rest of the bar what we had learnt at our meeting.

the next day - my real birthday - the conference was finished after only 3 hours. jon, vineeth, anisette, and i met up with vineeth's friend eric and toured around kobe. we visited chinatown, and the harbor where we did some shopping and sight-seeing. for supper we ate a mexican restaurant. the food was great. to continue to celebrate my birthday, we went to the 10th floor of city hall to get a night view of kobe. it was so cool - we could see our hotel. to end the night, we ventured on to the earthquake memorial park where we met up with the breakdancing club from kobe university. we chatted, had some laughs, and shot off some fireworks. a great way to celebrate my birthday (for a second day).

on june 5th, jon and i went to Universal Studios Japan. it was such a blast. there were 5 rides: spiderman, back to the future, jaws, jurassic park, and E.T. our favorites were jurassic park and spiderman. jurassic park was a tour on a boat in real water through the dinosaur park where the dinosaurs and people were friends and then the horror film where the dinosaurs had taken over. it ended with a visit into the laboratory where a dinosaur spit water on me and a real life 2 storey drop in between the legs of an angry T-rex into the water. everyone got soaked. spiderman was a 3D ride where we got to fly alongside spidey himself battling bad guys, fires, and a 30 storey drop into a spiderweb. i got scared so i closed my eyes for the drop.

jon insists that i set the new record for most happy birthdays being sung. thus, my birthday was a great one. i think that 24 will be a good age.

Testing for comments.

I want to record a conversation from yesterday. Here goes, as far as I can remember:

--- Start conversation ---

a: Do you have wasps in Canada?
me: Yes, but not big ones like here.
b: But I saw on TV about killer bees in North America. Don't you have those?
me: No.
c: But you have dangerous, wild animals in Canada. Canada is famous for wild animals.
me: Yes.
a: What is Canada's most dangerous, wild animal.
me: I don't know. Grizzly bear?
a: So you have a gun? To shoot grizzly bears?
me: No.
c: But don't Canadians all carry guns?
me: No. Some people have a rifle, for hunting.
a: Do you need a license for guns in Canada?
me: Of course.
c: I heard cougars are very dangerous.
me: Do you have a gun?
c: No, I hate guns.
a: I have a sword. In Japan, we need a license for swords. They are treated the same as guns.
me: What about nunchucks, do you need a license for nunchucks?
a: Nun-what?
c: You know, nunchuck. (Pulls out imaginary nunchucks.) Whoopa, whoopa.
a: No, we don't need a license for nunchucks.
me: What about throwing stars?
a: Eh?
b: Eh?
c: Eh?
me: Like what ninja's used to carry. (Pulls out imaginary throwing stars.) Whoop, whoop.
b: Oh no, we don't need a license for those. It's very hard to kill someone with throwing stars, so the ninja's used to poison the tips.
a: Of course, ninja's were well trained in everything. They were real handy at most things.
me: Could a ninja fix my car?
a: Maybe, but there were no cars back then.
me: What about a computer virus? Could he fix my computer?
c: Like bioterrorism?
me: Not really.
b: Ninja's were like secret service. Like spies for expensive businessmen and the samurai. But they didn't have bushido.
a: Ninja's could breath for a long time through a bamboo staw, then come out of the water with their throwing stars and kill everyone in sight.
me: Better be careful. Are there still ninja's?
c: There is a ninja village in northern Japan.
me: Do they need a license there?
a: I don't know.
me: Did you study ninja's in high school?
b: Oh no, we learn about ninja's from the movies.
me: I see. Did you ever know anyone who dated a ninja? Were there women ninja's?
c: Of course, but they were called onnajas. Women ninja's.
me: What about grandma ninja's?
a: Maybe, but mostly the grandma ninja's were in the kitchen.
me: I see. Cooking?
b: Yes. Cooking and sharpening the throwing stars.
a: There is a famous grandma ninja. She was an expert archer.
me: Really? That's interesting. Do you know about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
a: Eh?
b: Eh?
c: Eh?
me: They were these turtles who lived in the sewers in New York City...
b: In America?
me: Yes, in America. Anyway, they got radioactive waste spilled on them, and they turned into ninja's.
a: Radio-hyuh?
me: You know, like uranium is radioactive? Ka-boooom!
b: Ah, I see. No, I don't know about ninja turtles. Are they Japanese?
me: No. American.

--- At this point "d" came in for some Enlgish conversation ---

c: We were talking about ninja's.
me: Do you know about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
d: From Japan?
me: No, they are an American cartoon.
d: Oh, I know. Are there ninja's in Canada?

--- End conversation ---

stay here.

that is what i get told when all 30 or 40 of the other teachers are leaving to go to a meeting. nice.

well, i guess if i didn't know my place here (to do nothing but study japanese, surf the internet and occasionally show up for the english class or two to play games), i would have a rude awakening daily.

tomorrow jon and i are going to kobe for a conference. after the conference (on saturday) we are going to go to Universal Studios Japan for my birthday. i am so pumped! i guess i will write all about it when i get back.